The Wheel of Depression

For the next twenty years of my life, ages 10 until I was 30, I lived in what I call the “Wheel of Depression”.  I did not come to understand or know this until after my depression was broken.  Imagine a wagon wheel.  The wheel has a hub with spokes that connected the outer bounds of the wheel to the hub.  On the outside of the outer wheel is fear.  The fear surrounds the wheel.  The center or hub is depression.  The center of my life.  Each spoke represents an emotion that I felt.  The emotions and the words I used to describe the emotions are what I was feeling.  In someone else case, the emotions they felt can be describe by a different term of expression.  However, there are two emotions within this wheel that I believe are the same for everyone suffering from depression.  They are the emotions from anger and Suicidal Ideation.  Suicidal Ideation is a term use to describe thoughts of suicide without the acting upon those thoughts.  Thinking or plans of how you would commit suicide. 

For me, the emotions of the wheel of depression moved in a clockwise manner.  When I was younger, I did not understand the feelings I had.  My knowledge of the mind, body, and soul were limited. What is important is to understand what is happening to you while you are in this “Wheel of Depression”. 

The first emotion and feeling I felt was guilt.  This brought on many thoughts of how I was to blame to allow this act to happen to me.  It was my fault because I allowed it.  I was found by a jury of my peers to be guilty.  There is no one to blame but myself.  Now please understand this, I had these guilty thoughts at the age of 10.  A young boy feeling guilty.  How can a 10 year old boy come to this conclusion? 

The next emotion would be shame.  The despicable act that was performed on me made me feel dirty and unclean.  I was so ashamed, I could not look at myself in the mirror.  I am an outcast living in this world.  No one would want me as their son, brother, cousin, or friend.  Remember in a previous chapter I mention how my Mother would tell others of how I played all day in the same dirt pile as my older brother.  However, my cloths would still be clean.  The thing that no one saw was how dirty I felt inside.  My feelings of uncleanliness was many times over what you could see on my brother’s clothes.  I could not shower enough times to get the feeling of shame off of me.  

Unworthy to be alive.  The continuous thoughts of how useless you are to yourself, God, or anyone around you.  Even though I continued to excel in sports and received honors, I did not feel worthy to receive any of those honors.  I felt like I could never contribute in this world for anything or anyone ever again.  This would add a feelings of hopelessness and despair. 

One of the emotions that caused many years of my life to be wasted was the feeling I had toward God and others.  I was distrusting.  My trust in God and mankind was totally dismantled.  I blamed God and ask him how he could let this happen to me?  After all, I was serving him and trusting him for everything.  I no longer trusted anyone one in a mentor type role.  As I grew older, I did not have trust in relationships.  To have trust, one must have faith.  And to have faith, one must trust.  When this trust and faith relationship is broken, it leads to a life of living under a rock. Can you imagine keeping a relationship with God without having trust in him?  I can tell you from my experience, it does not work.  If I cannot trust someone for which I can see, hear, and touch, how could I have trust in someone I cannot see, hear or touch?  Having trust is the basis for the belief in God.  To say I trust God but lack the faith is only self-serving.  It will not get you anywhere with him.  In the Bible the scripture speaks of …”if you are lukewarm, I will spew you out of my mouth”….  The lack of one or the other, faith or trust, makes you lukewarm according to that scripture.  This puts up a wall between you and God in a relationship with him. 

Why are you lukewarm?  It is a safety mechanism for which you adhere to while in captivity of depression.  One will try to balance the highs and the lows so the fall will seem less hurt full.  The mind will control the emotions of the soul to keep the wheel moving without sitting too long in one spoke of an emotion.  The body becomes a routine.  You feed it, water it, and allow it to rest.  That is all the body requires.  The mind never rest.  Some of us our “thinkers”, as I am.  This is a great asset to have.  However, it can be detrimental as well.  A balance between thinking and allowing the mind to rest is where you want to be.  How does one get that balance?  This happens when the soul takes over. 

I have heard it said, “One cannot live by emotions”.  Stop for moment and think about it.  Every waking moment of our lives are based on a feeling we have.  A feeling is an expression of our emotions.  I feel happy, I feel said, I feel hungry, and I feel full.  I am feeling anger, or I am feeling joy.  If we do not live by or emotions, then we wouldn’t be here.  The difference is, how the emotions are controlled.  It is a delicate balance between the mind and the soul.   An example in the Bible regarding emotions was when Jesus got angry for the buying and trading that was taking place within the holy temple.  That is an emotion expressed as anger.   Another was when Jesus mourn the loss of Lazarus, the scripture says Jesus wept.  Since God made man in his image, then we were giving emotions.  The difference between when Jesus showed his emotions through the expression of his feelings, there were under the control of God.  I admit mine were not.   

The next spoke in the wheel is happiness.  How could I have happiness while in the bonds of depression?  Unfortunately, it is not the purest form of happiness.  Most of the happiness I would express was to disguise my depression.  Sure, I had real moments of being happy.  But underlying that happiness, was a life of misery and despair.  I had to hide the depression and the action which caused that fear to grab me.  My expressing this emotion was tightly controlled.  Too much exposed, or too little would definitely bring on suspicious questions.  After all, I was a quite child by nature anyway.    

The feelings of anxiety is one of the emotions that will work on the mind and body.  We all have had moments of anxiety.  However, when anxiety persist it is detrimental.  Constantly being on edge will cause excessive fatigue.  The mind is unable to sort out facts from perceived facts.  Decisions on basic everyday routines become complex.  “Things” appear bigger than they actual are.  The mind is racing just trying to get through the day.  I know I was constantly wondering does anyone suspect anything.  Because my mind would not rest, my body begin to react to the constant edginess and begin to show physical signs of stress brought on by the anxiety.  I was not just anxious, it was obsessive.  I had moments of heart palpitations, sweaty palms, and pacing.  Anxiety is difficult to cover up because of the effects of the emotion shows outwardly body signs.  The mind would have to cover this with excuses when ask if anything was wrong. 

Why suicidal ideations?  First, this comes from the mind not the soul or body.  Thoughts of suicide is presents   Death is one of only two ways to escape the wheel of depression.  I will speak to the second way to escape depression later on.  Once in the grasp of depression, the endless rolling of the wheel will cause a point in which a decision will have to be made.  The body will only need to be fed, watered, and rested.  The soul lives on regardless of the decision that is made.  This is important as the free will mind carries the choice. 

That free will mind to make decisions was put in place when God created us. The creation of man was God wanting someone that had a choice to serve and accept him as Lord and Savior.  To worship Him with praise.  Why did God do that?  Was He bored?  Was He thinking clearly?   Was God having a bad hair day or something?  My answers is, you would need to ask him when you get to heaven.  In all seriousness, God is God, let his grace be sufficient.

The last emotion felt as the Wheel of Depression turns is anger.  Anger can destroy lives, relationships, and yourself.  During hospitalization, I had mentioned to my Mom and Dad that I pity the poor person who would receive the full wrath of my anger.  I will discuss this in more detail later.  Anger is a dangerous emotion when not kept under control.  We can be angry.  Expressing the anger in form that is harmful to others and yourself is where the danger lies. 

Why is anger after Suicidal Ideation?  When I would pass from Suicidal Ideation, it would make me angry to have any thoughts or feelings of hurting myself.  I would get angry at the person who did this to me.  I also was angry at God for allowing this to happen.  I would have a sharp tongue.  Anger is not something someone would seek out.  It finds you.  It comes from you.  Once you pass through the anger, the wheel would start the next rotation, starting at guilt.  

Now that this Wheel of Depression is in motion, my underlying base feeling could be anyone of the spokes.  That base feeling could be there from minutes, hours, days, or months.  Toward the storm that was coming, the wheel moved from each spoke of emotions in seconds, non-stop.