Chapter Three – Fear, the Hook of Depression

Fear is a natural response, to fight or flight to an event.  There is fear of heights, spiders, snakes, and danger.  The difference is that fear generally last as long as the event happens.  Once it is over, the fear is gone.  The Bible also speaks of: “to fear God”.   To fear God is to have reverence for him. There is a really important scripture to remember.  I share this now in the book as it is the basis for which I stay free of depression.

King James Version (KJV) 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Shortly after my tenth birthday, an event happen that shattered my world as I knew it.  This incident changed me forever.  Even as involved in church and my spiritual walk with God, it still happened.   

I was sexual abused by an Assistant Youth Minister of the church.  From the moment it happened, fear gripped my life.  I instantly went from a happy young boy to introverted, rarely smiling, mostly quiet boy.  I couldn’t understand what had just happened.  The fear that gripped me was so powerful that I could not shake free.  When I made it home, I immediately took a shower and changed my clothes and went to my room.  I turned off the light and sat in the closet of my bedroom.  I was so scared and afraid.  I cried quietly as not to raise suspicions that something was wrong. 

     

The act itself was and is despicable.  How could an adult do this to a child?  Not only what he did to me, but what he said to me afterwards.  He told me, “If I was to tell my parents they would be ashamed of me and not love me anymore”.  “If I told anyone else, he would kill himself and I would be blamed for it”.  “After all, this was my fault and that I allowed it to happen”. 

     

It’s not important to describe the horrendous act.  It happened and I cannot change that.  I still tense up just sharing this portion of my life.  In the early seventies, sexual abuse was not spoken about publicly.  The subject was too uncomfortable for people to acknowledge that it was happening and for the victim to receive help.   It’s only been in the last ten or fifteen years that the sexual abuse has been acknowledged and perpetrators prosecuted and sent to jail.  Unfortunately, many victims are still silent.  They are suffering from depression and have turned to other alternatives in fighting this fear.  Compensation to the victims is a great thing, but they need someone to reach out to combat their depression. 

First, fear will take control of your mind.  Your thoughts are clouded with what if someone finds out.  What if my parents find out and disown me as their son?  If school finds out, I will be labeled and bullied.  I would not be able to participate in sports anymore.  The guys would not want me in the locker room with them.  But the biggest fear working in my mind was I would turn out to be just like the person who did this to me.  I would hear news stories of a few cases that were published that the perpetrator was abused as child also.  Psychologist would report that risk factor for turning in to a pedophile was higher if you were abused as a child.  This thought was terrifying!            

Fear has a terrible effect on the body.  It will use up your body’s natural immune system.  This causes more illnesses that your body will normally fight off.  By the time I was seventeen, I had a bleeding GI disorder that required hospitalization. In general, my body always felt tired.  I could never get enough sleep no matter how many hours I slept.  The nervous energy I was feeling was always on the edge.  I could eat for three people and never gain a pound.  But let’s be clear, this is not a way you would want to lose weight.  Body language is readable, so as not to give out a clue something was wrong I would concentrate on making sure my body stayed “normal”.    

The fear effect on the soul has eternity consequences.  What does that mean?  Remember that the soul is who you are.  The soul doesn’t require the mind or the body to live on forever.  Because the spirit is not a tangible object that you or others can see, it suffers the most from fear.  No one can see that the soul is suffering or how much it wishes to express the feelings.  Fear keeps the spirit of person held back.  My spirit was buried.  I was no longer the happy care free boy.  Who I was could no longer be.  My spirit’s relationship with God was torn.  Even though he never left me, I left him. 

The in despicable act that happened is not the only way that fear hooks a person in to depression.  Any event that fear takes complete long lasting control of your life will cause depression.  There’s a difference between being “down” and depression.  Depression is a daily battle that you must confront, even in your dreams.  There is a feeling of hopelessness or no way out.  It cripples you, the mind, body, and soul.