The Wheel of Depression

For the next twenty years of my life, ages 10 until I was 30, I lived in what I call the “Wheel of Depression”.  I did not come to understand or know this until after my depression was broken.  Imagine a wagon wheel.  The wheel has a hub with spokes that connected the outer bounds of the wheel to the hub.  On the outside of the outer wheel is fear.  The fear surrounds the wheel.  The center or hub is depression.  The center of my life.  Each spoke represents an emotion that I felt.  The emotions and the words I used to describe the emotions are what I was feeling.  In someone else case, the emotions they felt can be describe by a different term of expression.  However, there are two emotions within this wheel that I believe are the same for everyone suffering from depression.  They are the emotions from anger and Suicidal Ideation.  Suicidal Ideation is a term use to describe thoughts of suicide without the acting upon those thoughts.  Thinking or plans of how you would commit suicide. 

For me, the emotions of the wheel of depression moved in a clockwise manner.  When I was younger, I did not understand the feelings I had.  My knowledge of the mind, body, and soul were limited. What is important is to understand what is happening to you while you are in this “Wheel of Depression”. 

The first emotion and feeling I felt was guilt.  This brought on many thoughts of how I was to blame to allow this act to happen to me.  It was my fault because I allowed it.  I was found by a jury of my peers to be guilty.  There is no one to blame but myself.  Now please understand this, I had these guilty thoughts at the age of 10.  A young boy feeling guilty.  How can a 10 year old boy come to this conclusion? 

The next emotion would be shame.  The despicable act that was performed on me made me feel dirty and unclean.  I was so ashamed, I could not look at myself in the mirror.  I am an outcast living in this world.  No one would want me as their son, brother, cousin, or friend.  Remember in a previous chapter I mention how my Mother would tell others of how I played all day in the same dirt pile as my older brother.  However, my cloths would still be clean.  The thing that no one saw was how dirty I felt inside.  My feelings of uncleanliness was many times over what you could see on my brother’s clothes.  I could not shower enough times to get the feeling of shame off of me.  

Unworthy to be alive.  The continuous thoughts of how useless you are to yourself, God, or anyone around you.  Even though I continued to excel in sports and received honors, I did not feel worthy to receive any of those honors.  I felt like I could never contribute in this world for anything or anyone ever again.  This would add a feelings of hopelessness and despair. 

One of the emotions that caused many years of my life to be wasted was the feeling I had toward God and others.  I was distrusting.  My trust in God and mankind was totally dismantled.  I blamed God and ask him how he could let this happen to me?  After all, I was serving him and trusting him for everything.  I no longer trusted anyone one in a mentor type role.  As I grew older, I did not have trust in relationships.  To have trust, one must have faith.  And to have faith, one must trust.  When this trust and faith relationship is broken, it leads to a life of living under a rock. Can you imagine keeping a relationship with God without having trust in him?  I can tell you from my experience, it does not work.  If I cannot trust someone for which I can see, hear, and touch, how could I have trust in someone I cannot see, hear or touch?  Having trust is the basis for the belief in God.  To say I trust God but lack the faith is only self-serving.  It will not get you anywhere with him.  In the Bible the scripture speaks of …”if you are lukewarm, I will spew you out of my mouth”….  The lack of one or the other, faith or trust, makes you lukewarm according to that scripture.  This puts up a wall between you and God in a relationship with him. 

Why are you lukewarm?  It is a safety mechanism for which you adhere to while in captivity of depression.  One will try to balance the highs and the lows so the fall will seem less hurt full.  The mind will control the emotions of the soul to keep the wheel moving without sitting too long in one spoke of an emotion.  The body becomes a routine.  You feed it, water it, and allow it to rest.  That is all the body requires.  The mind never rest.  Some of us our “thinkers”, as I am.  This is a great asset to have.  However, it can be detrimental as well.  A balance between thinking and allowing the mind to rest is where you want to be.  How does one get that balance?  This happens when the soul takes over. 

I have heard it said, “One cannot live by emotions”.  Stop for moment and think about it.  Every waking moment of our lives are based on a feeling we have.  A feeling is an expression of our emotions.  I feel happy, I feel said, I feel hungry, and I feel full.  I am feeling anger, or I am feeling joy.  If we do not live by or emotions, then we wouldn’t be here.  The difference is, how the emotions are controlled.  It is a delicate balance between the mind and the soul.   An example in the Bible regarding emotions was when Jesus got angry for the buying and trading that was taking place within the holy temple.  That is an emotion expressed as anger.   Another was when Jesus mourn the loss of Lazarus, the scripture says Jesus wept.  Since God made man in his image, then we were giving emotions.  The difference between when Jesus showed his emotions through the expression of his feelings, there were under the control of God.  I admit mine were not.   

The next spoke in the wheel is happiness.  How could I have happiness while in the bonds of depression?  Unfortunately, it is not the purest form of happiness.  Most of the happiness I would express was to disguise my depression.  Sure, I had real moments of being happy.  But underlying that happiness, was a life of misery and despair.  I had to hide the depression and the action which caused that fear to grab me.  My expressing this emotion was tightly controlled.  Too much exposed, or too little would definitely bring on suspicious questions.  After all, I was a quite child by nature anyway.    

The feelings of anxiety is one of the emotions that will work on the mind and body.  We all have had moments of anxiety.  However, when anxiety persist it is detrimental.  Constantly being on edge will cause excessive fatigue.  The mind is unable to sort out facts from perceived facts.  Decisions on basic everyday routines become complex.  “Things” appear bigger than they actual are.  The mind is racing just trying to get through the day.  I know I was constantly wondering does anyone suspect anything.  Because my mind would not rest, my body begin to react to the constant edginess and begin to show physical signs of stress brought on by the anxiety.  I was not just anxious, it was obsessive.  I had moments of heart palpitations, sweaty palms, and pacing.  Anxiety is difficult to cover up because of the effects of the emotion shows outwardly body signs.  The mind would have to cover this with excuses when ask if anything was wrong. 

Why suicidal ideations?  First, this comes from the mind not the soul or body.  Thoughts of suicide is presents   Death is one of only two ways to escape the wheel of depression.  I will speak to the second way to escape depression later on.  Once in the grasp of depression, the endless rolling of the wheel will cause a point in which a decision will have to be made.  The body will only need to be fed, watered, and rested.  The soul lives on regardless of the decision that is made.  This is important as the free will mind carries the choice. 

That free will mind to make decisions was put in place when God created us. The creation of man was God wanting someone that had a choice to serve and accept him as Lord and Savior.  To worship Him with praise.  Why did God do that?  Was He bored?  Was He thinking clearly?   Was God having a bad hair day or something?  My answers is, you would need to ask him when you get to heaven.  In all seriousness, God is God, let his grace be sufficient.

The last emotion felt as the Wheel of Depression turns is anger.  Anger can destroy lives, relationships, and yourself.  During hospitalization, I had mentioned to my Mom and Dad that I pity the poor person who would receive the full wrath of my anger.  I will discuss this in more detail later.  Anger is a dangerous emotion when not kept under control.  We can be angry.  Expressing the anger in form that is harmful to others and yourself is where the danger lies. 

Why is anger after Suicidal Ideation?  When I would pass from Suicidal Ideation, it would make me angry to have any thoughts or feelings of hurting myself.  I would get angry at the person who did this to me.  I also was angry at God for allowing this to happen.  I would have a sharp tongue.  Anger is not something someone would seek out.  It finds you.  It comes from you.  Once you pass through the anger, the wheel would start the next rotation, starting at guilt.  

Now that this Wheel of Depression is in motion, my underlying base feeling could be anyone of the spokes.  That base feeling could be there from minutes, hours, days, or months.  Toward the storm that was coming, the wheel moved from each spoke of emotions in seconds, non-stop.   

Chapter Three – Fear, the Hook of Depression

Fear is a natural response, to fight or flight to an event.  There is fear of heights, spiders, snakes, and danger.  The difference is that fear generally last as long as the event happens.  Once it is over, the fear is gone.  The Bible also speaks of: “to fear God”.   To fear God is to have reverence for him. There is a really important scripture to remember.  I share this now in the book as it is the basis for which I stay free of depression.

King James Version (KJV) 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Shortly after my tenth birthday, an event happen that shattered my world as I knew it.  This incident changed me forever.  Even as involved in church and my spiritual walk with God, it still happened.   

I was sexual abused by an Assistant Youth Minister of the church.  From the moment it happened, fear gripped my life.  I instantly went from a happy young boy to introverted, rarely smiling, mostly quiet boy.  I couldn’t understand what had just happened.  The fear that gripped me was so powerful that I could not shake free.  When I made it home, I immediately took a shower and changed my clothes and went to my room.  I turned off the light and sat in the closet of my bedroom.  I was so scared and afraid.  I cried quietly as not to raise suspicions that something was wrong. 

     

The act itself was and is despicable.  How could an adult do this to a child?  Not only what he did to me, but what he said to me afterwards.  He told me, “If I was to tell my parents they would be ashamed of me and not love me anymore”.  “If I told anyone else, he would kill himself and I would be blamed for it”.  “After all, this was my fault and that I allowed it to happen”. 

     

It’s not important to describe the horrendous act.  It happened and I cannot change that.  I still tense up just sharing this portion of my life.  In the early seventies, sexual abuse was not spoken about publicly.  The subject was too uncomfortable for people to acknowledge that it was happening and for the victim to receive help.   It’s only been in the last ten or fifteen years that the sexual abuse has been acknowledged and perpetrators prosecuted and sent to jail.  Unfortunately, many victims are still silent.  They are suffering from depression and have turned to other alternatives in fighting this fear.  Compensation to the victims is a great thing, but they need someone to reach out to combat their depression. 

First, fear will take control of your mind.  Your thoughts are clouded with what if someone finds out.  What if my parents find out and disown me as their son?  If school finds out, I will be labeled and bullied.  I would not be able to participate in sports anymore.  The guys would not want me in the locker room with them.  But the biggest fear working in my mind was I would turn out to be just like the person who did this to me.  I would hear news stories of a few cases that were published that the perpetrator was abused as child also.  Psychologist would report that risk factor for turning in to a pedophile was higher if you were abused as a child.  This thought was terrifying!            

Fear has a terrible effect on the body.  It will use up your body’s natural immune system.  This causes more illnesses that your body will normally fight off.  By the time I was seventeen, I had a bleeding GI disorder that required hospitalization. In general, my body always felt tired.  I could never get enough sleep no matter how many hours I slept.  The nervous energy I was feeling was always on the edge.  I could eat for three people and never gain a pound.  But let’s be clear, this is not a way you would want to lose weight.  Body language is readable, so as not to give out a clue something was wrong I would concentrate on making sure my body stayed “normal”.    

The fear effect on the soul has eternity consequences.  What does that mean?  Remember that the soul is who you are.  The soul doesn’t require the mind or the body to live on forever.  Because the spirit is not a tangible object that you or others can see, it suffers the most from fear.  No one can see that the soul is suffering or how much it wishes to express the feelings.  Fear keeps the spirit of person held back.  My spirit was buried.  I was no longer the happy care free boy.  Who I was could no longer be.  My spirit’s relationship with God was torn.  Even though he never left me, I left him. 

The in despicable act that happened is not the only way that fear hooks a person in to depression.  Any event that fear takes complete long lasting control of your life will cause depression.  There’s a difference between being “down” and depression.  Depression is a daily battle that you must confront, even in your dreams.  There is a feeling of hopelessness or no way out.  It cripples you, the mind, body, and soul. 

Chapter Two - Mind, Body, and Soul

What does the mind mean to a ten year old boy?  I asked that question of myself at that age.  The mind is where my thoughts came from.  I wasn’t sure how they are generated to form that process.  However, I accepted the fact I had thoughts and that sometimes were expressed and other times not.  At times I had pleasing and peaceful thoughts that made me feel happy and safe.  Sometimes there were thoughts that had questions and would require more in depth thoughts.  I had thoughts of doing something that wasn’t right or pleasing to me and others. 

      
 I remembered a time when I would go down to a local Mom and Pop grocery store a few blocks from where we lived.  I loved the Hostess Cherry pies.  Back then in the early seventies the cost for one of those pies was twelve cents.  I have been to this grocery store many times and bought one of those cherry pies.  But on this one occasion, I was craving one of those pies but didn’t have any money to pay for it.  In my mind I convinced myself that it wouldn’t be so bad to take one without paying for it.  The owners of the store wouldn’t miss one cherry pie and besides, they are rich people and could afford it.  Well, I did take one without paying for it.  I shoved the pie into my coat pocket.  I looked around to see if anyone saw me.  And when I convinced myself that no one saw me, I casually walked out of the store and begin to briskly walk home. 

     
 Now on my walk home I started having these intense feelings of guilty thoughts.  My mind went into overtime.  “Wow Kevin, I can’t believe you just did that!”  “You know that was wrong.”  “Boy, you are in trouble now mister!”   While this conversation is going on, I was enjoying the taste of the cherry pie.  Of course I was going to eat the pie.  Why wouldn’t I.  I took the risk of stealing it so no need to waste it. 

     
What does the body mean and how I understood it at this age?  In the later years of elementary school, students are starting to be introduced to biology and more advance sciences.  I begin the studies at a basic level regarding the human body.  There is the heart, brain, stomach and many other vital organs. Outwardly, how I looked, color of my hair, eyes, and skin.  Somehow when all put together, it formed my body. 

     
At this age the importance of my body was being able to run, play sports, and ride my bike.  In order to do that, I needed to eat and drink water to keep the necessary energy to perform those activities that I had some much fun doing.  I understood that my body would tire and needed rest.  Ignoring the needed time to rest would not only stress the body but would also cloud my thoughts and thinking process. During the school year the rest was required so I could perform and do well in my classes.  I noticed the lack of sleep made me grumpy and moody.  My lower lip would stick out like I was pouting.   Mom would say, “Good morning grumpy”. 

      
 Even though I could not totally comprehend the intricate work of God’s creation of the human body, somehow it just worked.  When the body wasn’t functioning properly, well you just go to the doctor and he gives you medicine to help your body work.  It sounds right to me.  No need to dive any deeper into all the sciences and answers to how the body works.  I’m sure down the road it will be part of my education to understand more. 

     
What does it mean when I say “My soul”?  My soul is who I am.  It is the spirit that lives within me.  It creates and forms my personality.  I express my feelings created from my emotions of my spirit.  Things that affect me are controlled by how my spirit reacts.  It creates my conscious.  It’s where my morals, values, and beliefs are stored.  My soul holds the love and compassion that I have for God, myself, and other people.  The spirit is alive even though I can’t show it or reveal it as a tangible object.  My soul is not a religious entity.  My mind and body cannot survive without my soul.  However, my soul doesn’t require the mind and body to exist forever.    

     
I also understood at this time that when I asked Jesus into my heart, it was my soul that his spirit lives in.  There were questions I had regarding my soul that couldn’t be answered.  Why can’t the soul be revealed in such a way that it could be seen or touched.  No matter how hard I try to understand the soul, I would have to accept the fact that some things have no definitive answers.  However, simply put my soul is me. 

     
Even at a young age, I carried within my soul a large suitcase full of compassion for other people.  I was happy and enjoyed waking up every morning.  I couldn’t wait until the sun came up so I could start my day.  School for me was fun.  I was excited to learn new things and come home to share them with Mom, Dad, and siblings.  I went from learning how to count to one hundred to doing fractions, long divisions, and more complicated word math problems.  When I saw other students who expressed despair, hurt or angry, I didn’t understand.  What could possibly be so bad as a kid that would make a person feel that way?  I would find myself drawn to these kids.  I wanted to share with them that they could be happy and have fun. 

     
When I break out the three aspects of mind, body and soul, I’m brought back to the cherry pie story.  For whatever reason, my body craved a Hostess Cherry pie.  My mind worked out a way to obtain that cherry pie even though I didn’t have the money to pay for it.  Once I had the cherry pie, my soul stirred my conscious and reminded me of the morals created and stored in my soul that this was wrong.  However, my mind withstood the moral bashing and won out over my soul.  Yes, my mind, body, and soul were functioning as it was intended to do regardless of right or wrong.   

     
 I still love to eat those Hostess Cherry pies.  And, every time when I eat one I’m reminded of this event in my life.  Later in this book, I will relate back to this time and the cherry pie incident.   

How the Three work together.  It helps me understand what later happened in my life and how the mind, body, and soul were affected.  So many times my life has been affected from incidents and experiences that occurred during my childhood.  With the understanding I had as a child, it makes it easier as an adult when a current situation seems so complex.  In reality, I as an adult tend to make it out to be more than it actually is.